I've moved

After a few days, I've decided that I'm no longer hiding in the fog, but ready to emerge and transform. Follow me here for more of my musings.

time to transform now

R

My longest relationship was with R. Sadly he died three years ago at the age of 35.
We had a tempestuous relationship, constantly arguing and making up, frustrating each other and being each other’s best friend. Alot of our problems were down to my immaturity and insecurity and some were down to his mistrust.
After 3.5 years we called it a day. We met up a few times over the years and I was too proud to make more of an effort to stay in touch.
I heard the sad news outside a tube station when I bumped into a friend of his. It turned out R had been ill for a few years and had a brain tumour I think.
I couldn’t believe it and went to his parent’s house hoping that it wasn’t true.
R’s brother’s 2nd child was born soon after and they named her after R using a feminine version of his name. He was always a good uncle. Lots of fun. Very in touch with his childish side.
Still thinking about you and your family.

Advertising

Once upon a time I was an Advertising Exec. Not a glamorous one in Product Advertising tempting the public with luxury brands and unhealthy food but filling the back pages of newspapers and magazines with Recruitment Advertising.
The hours were long, the clients were demanding, but my colleagues were energetic, fun, clever and liked a drink at the end of the day.
My twenties passed by in a blur of deadlines, briefs, meetings, pitches, presentations, negotiating, gallons of coffee, litres of vodka and wine, countless cigarettes and a fair amount of stress.
I was frightened of progression and although was hard working and capable, didn’t want promotion and was happy with my salary so stayed at the same level for many years. It became embarrassing when younger colleagues got promoted vastly above me and when every member of my team overtook me so I took the decision to leave and handed in my notice.
Another catalyst was when our medium size agency was acquired by a large international agency and their targets and demands became every more unbearable. After a year of feeling more like a number than a loyal member of the team I decided to walk away.
The pay cut I took to find another job in a different industry has been painful, but the manageable hours and the chance to have a proper relationship has made it worthwhile.
I don’t regret what those years under pressure taught me but I’m glad I’m out of it. I’m living happily ever after.

Morocco

So far removed from anything else I had ever experienced, Morocco opened my eyes to cultural differences and the reality of poverty.
My first holiday which didn’t involve a resort, beach, nightclub, alcohol and short skirts, I was apprehensive about this foray into the unknown.
When we arrived in Marrakesh, the noises, smells and sights overwhelmed us. Sensory overdrive. So much to see and be aware of.
Myself and my friend, two women, one with a bright pink suitcase and the other with a backpack, attracted lots of attention. From then on we were known as Fatima and Aisha.
The beauty of the town, the people, the riyads we stayed in, the tagines we ate, the mint tea I consumed by the gallon; I fell in love more and more every day. The people were poor and we were surrounded on many occasions by children asking for money, but there was a friendliness and welcome that enriched our days there.

The souks, the medinas, our stay in Essaouira, camel rides, tour into the Sahara desert and night in a tent under the brilliant stars with the Berbers, every day was magic and I wanted to cling on to the thrill.

I was on a high for many weeks after my holiday and was overawed by all that I had seen and done.
The film Hideous Kinky provided a fix when I missed the drama and beauty of Morocco.
I love to read when I’m on holiday and I finished four excellent books in 12 days: Life of Pi, Lovely Bones, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, Around the World in 80 Dates. As well as devouring the Morocco guide books and boring my friend with all the useless facts and figures.
I will return, hopefully with my husband one day.

Inner Talk

On my quest for personal development and self improvement I have developed a little addiction to Inner Talk cds.
I have about 7 cds for my varying problems and have had certain success with some of them.
At night, while lying in bed I play a cd on repeat listening on my headphones and let the subliminal messages transform my subconscious.
I can attribute my marriage to the “Attracting the Right Love Relationship” cd as I had listened to this cd for three days before I met my husband to be!
I gave up biting my nails for 50 days using the “Stopping Nail Biting” cd. I’ve started biting again and am listening to the cd to try to cure this but it’s not working so far. I’ve also had hypnotherapy to stop me biting my nails and again that worked for a limited time but wasn’t sustaining. The price difference between the hypnotherapy and Inner Talk is substantial so I’m hoping the cd works its magic again.
Louise Hay also has some good subliminal cds with positive affirmations that has helped me through the stressful times when I couldn't sleep.
I may need to see if there is an Inner Talk cd to help me get over my addiction to subliminal cds.

Meat

I’m not able to eat meat anymore, I see human flesh when I see slices of ham or turkey. A steak is a human body part. I’m not a cannibal. When I eat pasta or bread or cereal, I am taken over by a panic to eat as quickly as possible. I force it down, hardly chewing and eat and eat until my stomach swells up and my highly piled plate is clean.
My ideal diet is the raw food diet. A raw food vegan. It may seem extreme and takes some practice to get there but the results for me have been amazing.
I still eat cheese with my salad so I’m not quite at the vegan stage but I can’t stomach milk after reading Skinny Bitch and The Juicemaster’s Slim for Life.
Soya milk helped me get off the dairy stuff but now I don’t have the need for milk of any type.
I’ve never been enormous but at my heaviest I was 10 stone which is too much for someone of my height and build. Looking back at photos of that time my face looks squashed between my fat cheeks.

Corruption

My husband and I speak on the phone every day and send countless texts to each other. We used to live together but visa complications mean that for now we are apart. I would live with him but I need my job. We’ll have our time hopefully by August.
I’m learning alot about immigration through this experience and maybe one day my career may take me in that direction.
My husband is a do-er. He gets things done. He’s great at rallying the troops and creating a team effort. I’m better at working on my own. I only trust my own efforts and don’t like to ask for help.
While he is in his country he is opening a bar to sell coffee and alcohol. The bars there are full all day of men, young and old, drinking and smoking. Unemployment is high and money is obtained from a family member working abroad. Many of their country men and women are working illegally in surrounding countries. It’s sad that they can’t find adequate employment in their own towns, and it’s sad that their movements are so restricted and they can’t travel unless a bribe is paid. Corruption and bribery are a way of life.
When my husband gets his visa we want to take a holiday. Spend time together in the sunshine somewhere.

Smoking

I smoked to look good, to fit in with my new friends. Of course I didn’t like it at first, but I persevered and practiced in the mirror and before long I could inhale without coughing and crying. I was eighteen.
How silly to perfect something that would make me feel so bad a few years later and be so difficult to overcome.
Malboro reds were my first purchase, I didn’t know the difference in strengths but switched to the milder version once I worked it out.
Strangers would ask me for a light or a cigarette. I didn’t like the attention. If I had a few pounds in my pocket I had to decide between cigarettes or food. I lost weight in this time. Smoking took away my appetite and controlled my swinging blood sugar levels.
There was a new bond between myself and fellow students and work colleagues. At university I fitted in with the cool rebellious kids and their roll ups. Even if I didn’t want to smoke weed, at least I wasn’t totally sheltered.
When I started work, a cigarette was an excuse to have a break from the tedium and catch up on the gossip. I made friends in the smoking room and invitations to the pub followed. Drinking vodkas increased my need for the nicotine and soon I was on 20 a day. In those days we could smoke in pubs and clubs and if you couldn't beat them you had to join them.
My motivation to stop was when a good friend of mine had a baby and I didn’t want to kiss the baby with my ciggy breath. This effort lasted 18 months but a holiday and lots of booze weakened my resolve and I was back to puffing away.
Allen Carr helped me to stop the second time, lasting eight months and the third attempt was in 2004, again reading Allen Carr’s book while crying and shaking with the desire for a puff. So far so good apart from some naughty friends getting me drunk maybe once a year and encouraging me take one of their cigs.
I don’t want to go back to that habit. I have probably saved £4000 in this time.
And I don’t smell anymore.

Diary

I find it easier to keep to my plans when I write them down and keep a diary. I am accountable and can look back and see what I have achieved. Sometimes I look back and cringe.
I’ve been keeping a diary since I was eight, and was sad to see recently when I rediscovered it that I complained of being fat in those early pages. How things don’t change!
I’d always eaten lots of sugar growing up, treats from mum, treats from gran, cakes from dad, we celebrated everything with a sugary delight.
Consuming sugar dominated me during a difficult time when I was 17.
I had started my first year at sixth form with confidence and optimism. My gcse grades were good and I was confident that I would breeze through A Levels with the same ease.
The sparkle in my eye was noticed by some malicious girls who made it their mission to extinguish the flame. I’m not just blaming them for bullying me, they were very sorry years later, and the experience taught me to stand up for myself and made me stronger ultimately. But at the time, it was very painful and isolating.
Icing sugar mixed with water or Angel Delight gave me solace. I could eat and feel the sweet love and then sleep later. I experienced highs and lows in my moods and energy levels and found it hard to wake up in the mornings. I slept for much of the day and missed alot of classes. I didn’t do very well at A Level.

Shazzie

Shazzie wrote a blog for seven years and I found it the year she finished. I read all the posts on my blackberry over a few days in bed, feeling low and looking for an answer.
My problem is my sweet tooth and an appetite not driven by hunger but a need to suppress feelings and keep a barrier between myself and life.
Eating until the sugar puts me to sleep stops me from looking for a better job, spending time with my friends, being nice to my family.
Shazzie found that when she ate raw food she was forced to face her problems, embrace new challenges, leave behind relationships that weren’t working. Life became an adventure.
Happy birthday Shazzie!

Upheavals

Last year was the happiest in my life so far. I fell in love and this brought more and more changes and upheavals with every passing month.
I got married to the love of my life in September '08 but now we are separated by countries and oceans. Perhaps we’ll be together in August this year.
For five years my heart had been broken and I had shut down. No meaningful relationships in that time, immense guilt and fear in my heart, low self esteem. I needed time to heal and when I was ready I met him.
There had been lots of self-development in that time: EFT, Hypnotherapy, Counselling, Colonics, reading lots of books. A very insular time, working, travelling, going through the motions.
I woke up when I discovered eating raw foods. There were times when I couldn’t drag myself out of bed and would stay there all day feeling guilty because I had called in sick but happy because I didn’t have to face the commute of three trains into London. Trawling the internet from my bed I discovered Shazzie.

Feeling far away

Do you ever feel disconnected from everyone around you and events seem to pass you by?

I've felt like this most of my life, emotions others experience normally everyday don't make much sense to me. Laughing at a joke is almost something I have to force but tears come easily enough.

A form of autism perhaps? Or feeling down in general?

Maybe it is down to all the sugar I am compelled to eat every single day. Especially in teas and coffees.

When I worked in an office next to a vending machine I was always feeding my coins in and giving it a thump when my chocolate bar got stuck in the mechanisms.

Thankfully where I work now there is no such temptation, just the trips to the kitchen for a coffee or tea to anaesthetise myself against the relative tedium of my job.

I like my job really, I am busy, I like organising meetings and events and pulling together all the elements to make them flow without a hitch.

But in the larger scheme of things, I'm not making a difference at a practical level, I'm not helping some to improve their life, so maybe this is what I need to feel fulfilled.

The first step in emerging from my fog is to cut down on sugar.